Lisa and Scott

So, as some of you may know, we are getting married this Thursday, May 19th. For those of you who didn’t know, consider yourselves in the loop!

But the part where the blog post comes into play is: we’re having a virtual reception, and everyone is invited!

I figure that there’ll probably be some questions on the logistics of a virtual reception, so I’ve put together a small FAQ list:

Q: How can I take part in the virtual reception?

Simply show up online; you can even use iOS and Android devices to join us by using the Adobe Connect app if you’re on the go!

The URL for the virtual reception is: http://experts.adobeconnect.com/gothitched/. That’s ‘got hitched,’ and not ‘goth itched,’ believe it or not. If you have a microphone and/or a camera you’re more than welcome to use it, and there will be a text chat area as well. We’ll have the room open for most of the day after 1pm (Eastern Time), but will actively be there roughly between 7-9pm (Eastern Time). We also have a Facebook event page for people to leave comments/RSVP.

Q: Will you have a real-life reception as well?

We will eventually have a real reception and party, but we’re not at the point to plan any of that yet. That’ll most likely be in the late summer, when we’ve finished our move down to North Carolina (oh yeah, we’re moving down to Raleigh…)

Q: Am I supposed to get gifts for a virtual reception?

As corny as it sounds, your presence is a great present. If you would like to contribute to our moving fund in either monetary or physical-assistance means, it would not be turned down. We do have a wedding registry on Amazon, but we certainly don’t want anyone to feel like they have to get us anything. We’re old, we have lots of stuff already

Q: If I’m a super-famous celebrity, do I have to reveal any data about myself?

No, the reception room is just a URL, and we won’t have access to the IP data, so feel free to show up. Just use a name we can recognize so we know who you are in the room.

Q: What if I can’t make it during that timeframe?

If you can’t make it at that timeframe, no worries – please feel free to go to the URL before/after the event and leave a message in the chatroom. You don’t have to stay for the full duration either, so if you can only stay for a few minutes, we’d love to have you!

Q: Why May 19th?

Because Lisa’s birthday is 1.15 and Scott’s birthday is 3.17. Some of you should be able to figure it out

Q: Will you keep sending announcements about this?

We don’t want to spam anyone about this, so we’ll probably only send out one more reminder either on Wednesday or Thursday. So add it to your calendars now and get the beverage of your choice chilled as needed!

Q: But what if I want to hear music? It’s not much of a party without music!

We’ve got you covered – we’ll be having a special wedding playlist blasting on CodeBassRadio.net – check out CBR every day for a great mix of geek-powered radio content.

Pete Best was there.
Harley-Davidson was there.

The crowd was mixed in age, gender, and socio-economic appearance, but not terribly diverse in terms of race. In terms of audience, it reminded me a bit of when I saw the Grateful Dead in the late ’80s; older people recapturing their youth and perhaps feeling more relevant as a result, younger people romanticizing a time in the past they never experienced (one could say this is similar to Civil War re-enactments and Renaissance festivals, since it is).

The bands themselves were actually quite enjoyable. Some dressed as specific-era Beatles, some were from foreign countries, and most all of them used ‘authentic’ instruments. At first I thought it was kind of odd imagining having a career that revolved around performing the music of a singular (defunct) band, but upon reflection, how is it really any different than performing the works of, say, Beethoven or Mozart or even Shakespeare? I actually imagine that variants of this event could be intriguing and successful–a Woodstock re-enactment, or maybe a Jacksons-inspired festival. I know a few people who’d pay good money for an all-day Madonnafest.

Music festivals are always in themselves slight curiosities (and therefore delicious for someone who loves to observe things); with a few notable exceptions, the crowds exist within the spirit of the music. Events like Lollapalooza and Ozzfest tend to bring out the ugly side of this; aggressive music seems to give some participants a sense of entitlement to act without regard for others. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been bumped into at an event like that where the person that hit me gave me a look that said ‘I dare you to escalate; I want drama and confrontation in my life and need a target to take my frustrations out on.’ But a Beatles festival? There might as well have been rainbows and unicorns prancing about for all of the happy-fun-time atmosphere there–and not even in a druggie kind of way. The minor incident that I saw (where someone tried to slip past security into the Reserved area) was even surreal, comedic gold. An attendant approached the offender, smiled; the offender smiled back but refused to leave. The attendant nodded and politely went back to his post, then took the two police officers that showed up over to the offender. He didn’t put up a fight or cop (heh) an attitude, he just politely walked out with the LEOs; no issues, no confrontation. It was a most ‘civil disobedience.’

I suppose if you really try hard, you could be miserable at an event like this, but why force curmudgeonry? You’re surrounded by beautiful scenery; lush gardens, the waterfront, and dragonflies galore on a perfect late summer’s day. The people are pleasant and respectful, the beer is good and not horrifically overpriced, the bathrooms are of the indoor-flushing variety… and, fan or not, the music is downright fun. Plus, if you head over to the other side of the National Harbor, there’s a Peeps store! And how can you not smile and appreciate the meta-ness when there are guys onstage dressed in ‘Sgt. Pepper’ finery promoting their facebook and Twitter accounts, the ‘Norwegian Beatles’ flailing about with botched English, and a Sullivan-era crew of faux-mop tops from Puerto Rico hawking their CDs and Web site? The evening capped off with a fireworks display over the water, which didn’t quite sync up with the rendition of ‘Live and Let Die’ that was playing (not that it was supposed to), but it certainly was a fitting and perfect ending to a fab(four)ulous day.

But it doesn’t store movies! I can purchase them instead of renting them for the same price from Amazon! But an Xbox/Mac mini/HTPC/Roku/GoogleTV does the same thing, if not more!

Well, yeah. This centralizes your media onto your computers and NAS setups; it’s not a hard drive with HDMI anymore, it’s a receiver. As a receiver, it’ll most likely even play those shows that you ‘buy for the same price’ on Amazon; otherwise, it’s a choice between owning a license for a show and watching it on a computer, or renting it to watch on a TV, iPad, iPod Touch, and/or an iPhone. That workflow is an important designation; you start watching media on the bus on your iPhone heading home, then continue it on the TV where you left off. Later, you head out and watch the end on your iPad. It’s about making media convenient for when you’re on the go, and when you’re not, across an integrated set of screens.

Now, imagine that workflow when you have devices and screens everywhere you go. Your iPhone, iPod, and/or iPad go with you to the toilet, the kitchen, the park. Of course you can already stream media to your TV on a variety of devices. But how seamless is the transition to anything other than a computer and the receiver (whether it’s an Xbox, HTPC, PS3, whatever)? How economical is it to scale up to multiple TVs? How many different encodings do you have to make to support the media on a bunch of devices? How willing do you think the average person is to sit around using Handbrake for every show they want to watch when they can just pay a buck and watch it right then? This isn’t a device for the tinkerer or the person that wants to sit around messing with things; this is for the plug-and-go crowd. And of course, it’s not as appealing to the sorts of people who pride themselves on stealing media and bitch about paying for any content that they use, in any format. For people who already have Xbox and PS3 systems, this is meant to supplement their setups, hook up to another TV, go on the road… remember the Rabbit systems in the ’80s?

But that’s really not the important part. Apple certainly isn’t interested in merely being a passive device manufacturer. Think back to the mid-’90s, when the music labels were fighting tooth and nail against selling music online on a per-song basis. I was involved in some negotiations with them at the time, and I remember how dead-set they were against the single-pay model. They threw around terms like ‘experience’ and ‘cohesion’ – and while they had a point, they were missing what mainstream consumers wanted; music as a commodity, an impulse buy. The product is part of a lifestyle, but to varying degrees. Not all music is ‘art;’ some of it is disposable, just like the difference between gourmet food and snacks. Each can be appropriate in the right time and place, but some people are happy only partaking in one type of cuisine, and really don’t try/want to understand people with different tastes. And people still sometimes have a tough time seeing media as a product; even content creators have trouble viewing their work as, well, work, and not as some sort of perpetual lottery ticket that lets them create once, profit forever, while ignoring the efforts of all of the other people involved who enable the piece to be sold/distributed/promoted.

The landscape of how we buy and consume video (and from whom) is changing, just like it changed with music. It’s not surprising that networks are dragging their heels (just like the music labels did); people are already migrating from standard broadcast channels to using DVRs, PPV, VOD, and other mechanisms to view content, and are in many cases beginning to ditch their cable services while still watching their favorite shows. Previously, networks were big brands that had the benefit of being the central means of discovering and promoting new shows. What happens when any show developer is on even footing to have their show discovered? What happens when the distribution channels are fractioned and no longer distinct in anything other than where the content can be accessed from? Granted, so far there haven’t been any self-made success stories in independent music (although plenty of non-mainstream artists do well enough to get by). But independent video is another beast altogether; there are already podcasts and online programs that are moderately successful. Soon the lines will blur between video programming and e-commerce as well; programs will be advertisements, but structured in an episodic manner that makes it seem like ‘normal’ shows. This means that, as advertisers start to feel muscled out of short-form ads, they’ll migrate into creating programming incorporating their products. Think long-form ‘infomercial’ and ‘edutainment,’ but with an interactive element – brands will be partnering with independent producers to create more targeted, niche programming. This is something that’s been in the works from content creators for a very long time, but it’s just getting to the point where the distribution mechanisms make sense for it to work. Media is still a lucrative business because messages are distributed; when we disagree with those messages, we deem them ‘propaganda,’ but really all media is trying to get us to buy into something as well as to buy something.

And what about Ping? Well, obviously services like iLike, last.fm, etc. already exist to create a social channel for music sharing. While it does seem a bit odd that Apple wouldn’t just buy out iLike, chances are good that they needed a new system because they’ll eventually be using it for more than just music. The services that exist now that socialize all of your media (there are a few) don’t have the advantage of letting you get a recommendation and then pressing a button to have that media instantly accessible on your screen/device. Ping, in its infancy, is all about getting artists off of MySpace. Its next steps, however, will be much more revealing in how Apple’s recent cloud acquisitions fit into the picture.

And what comes after that? Well, think of what can happen with presence detection and your iDevice and/or something like a MiFi. Think of various verticals. Think of integration. Think of what needs to happen for the non-high-tech, non-urban crowd to advance its technology. It’s obvious what Google and Apple’s strategy is if you think about it, and that Microsoft needs to shift a few of their pieces. They all have a vision for the future; do you?

So, I’m starting the hunt for a new home base; either as a retreat or a full-time residence. These are my requirements, for the community, and then for the home itself:

I need a fun community/area. Fun does NOT mean a bunch of college kids partying all the time; I’m not one of those pathetic old people that hangs around people half my age in an attempt to never grow up. Fun also does not mean a bunch of swingers hanging out at the hot tub drinking frou-frou drinks and waxing faux-intellectual at their cocktail parties. I’m a laid-back person, and just want to sit and relax with a burger and a good beer and good people. Or sausages. I have nothing against people whose idea of fun differs from mine and doing new/different things, but I don’t want to be around a bunch of people who shove their style/values down my throat. (Note: this isn’t ‘bitter,’ this is ‘frustrated.’ It’s hard to have fun when you’re uncomfortable, and it takes me a while to get past my social anxiety when I feel pressured and/or am an outsider coming into a new group. If I’m helped through that and can relax, then I fit in with most social groups, and enjoy it. The anxiety wears off quicker if I’m put at ease/reassured externally, or with people that I trust, but I will be a little nervous with new people. The last ‘new people’ I met via my ex were incredibly horrible to me, so that made it worse. I might get past that soon, but it’s fresh, so it’s more pronounced than normal and I worry about it more than I usually would.) I need to be around people who are creative, but in a humble way. I have dealt with a trillion ‘artistic geniuses (who are misunderstood/holier-than-thou),’ and at some point they blur together. They may well be talented, but are they a decent human being? No amount of talent makes up for being an ass. I’m cool with people who overcompensate because of insecurity; but not the kind that can’t admit it and resort to petty name-calling and putting down others. I don’t suffer fools well. I can’t stand pretentious, and I can’t stand stupid. I don’t care if someone doesn’t know the difference between Kant and Kafka – they have to be able to respect other people and differing opinions, and they have to be interested in learning things (not from me, but in general). People who enjoy ignorance are simply people I can’t relate to, and I’ve seen a lot of communities where this standard is embraced. My stepfather would constantly say ‘oh, I’m just a dumb redneck’ to excuse his behavior – so when he’d make a racial slur or sexist remark, he’d shrug it off. He just never was considerate enough to think of the viewpoints of others and to try to become a better person, and that drives me batty. I’m very self-aware, very open, and need to be in a healthy environment that supports that. Ultimately, I don’t want to be in a hive-mind culture where any dissent is treated like having cooties. I like learning about others and appreciating who they are, not thinking I can only be accepted if I think like they do or like everything they do. That being said, it’d be refreshing to be around people who shared some common interests with me; I can always find common ground with people, but is it the stuff that I’m passionate about too? I need a place that has lots of cool little shops; bars with good beer, novelty items, thrift stores, good food, in areas that are easy to park in and get to. Bonus points for a Chick-Fil-A, Ikea, and a good Thai place. I’d prefer someplace that never got too cold; I’m a cold wuss, but I might be flexible for the right place. It also has to be a place where I can dress in my… eclectic style and not feel like everyone gossips about it (or cares). I like dressing weird, always have. I don’t need people snickering at me because of their cattiness; I’m comfortable with who I am. No crazy HOAs, reasonable taxes/regulations, and no nosy, gossipy, meddling vibe. I’d hope my neighbors would be friendly and pleasant and respect my space – and helpful (and of course I’d help in return). It’s gotta be at least somewhat accessible to concerts, comic-cons, rennfests, and other cool stuff to go to, and ideally not too much of a hassle to get to an airport to get away. The cost of living should be reasonable; at the very least, cheaper than DC (not hard to do). I know, I am asking for quite a lot.

What will my home be like? Well, I could go one of two directions. One option would be to get a space in a downtown area, so I could walk to places and such. If I went this route, I’d still do the second option later on, which is – I’d like a place that’s secluded enough to be private, but that still gets fiber optics and maybe the occasional food deliveries. I want to have two or three buildings; one would be a workshop/studio/garage space, maybe a guest house, and the main house. I fully intend on having a lot of space for friends & my boys to visit/stay. There will be a hot tub, and a pond. The main house will have a theatre/game room, and I’ll do all kinds of crazy sci-fi/fantasy/funky decor. It will, of course, be very high-tech and media/music-centric. I’ll have a kick-ass vegetable/herb garden, and lots of ‘green’ options (solar, composting, water reservoir, recycling). I’m cool with doing container homes or whatever, but if it eventually looked like a Victorian/medieval/industrial/nightmare/sci-fi/fantasy home, well, that’d work great. I’d also consider converting an abandoned warehouse. Since it’s just me now, it has to be in at least good enough shape for me to deal with (and factoring in that I might have issues w/my Meniere’s at times). It doesn’t have to be huge, but enough space for people to visit/stay comfortably. And, there has to be a good area for the squirrels, and hopefully not a lot of too-wild wildlife (I find nature rather unnatural at times; yes, it’s a me-thing, and I respect nature, but the less poisonous snakes or bugs there are in the bathroom, the happier I am. I’d have an area for camping/stargazing, and stuff like that, but I have a lot of fear about dealing with things on my own, again, because of the Meniere’s, and a lot of personal trauma).

I’m not looking to pack up tomorrow (well, I’m always looking to pack up tomorrow, but not rationally). While some things are great to do impulsively/spontaneously, some things require thought and planning and putting the time/energy/effort into them. Anything worthwhile will always take time, patience, and willingness to do them, and making a house a home is worth the hard work. I don’t want to be unwanted and rejected forever; I want to feel like I have a place where I belong (aside from Cheers, of course). I want to invite people into my home and make them feel comfortable and special (because if I invite them there, they are). I want a community where I’m surrounded by smart, cool people who aren’t hung up on judging others or on taking their issues out on every one/thing around them. There are some areas I’m considering, but I need to research them/visit/get feedback on them. I like the PNW, but with my mold allergies, places like Olympia, Seattle, Portland, etc. might not be good for my health, and I’m not sure about the taxes/regulations. Cali seems too high from a tax/COL standpoint. So, Southeast, or outside the U.S. is most likely. Asheville, NC sounded good; it was where me & my ex were looking into going. I wanted something between our families, but I thought he didn’t want to go back to Savannah (apparently he lied). I’ve already lived in Savannah, and that might not be appropriate now. I don’t even know where else to look just yet. So, that’s why I am turning to ask you, oh Web ones. What areas should I consider? If I was looking for a place under 200-250K (initial cost), where would you look? Or somewhere else (but it’s a little pricier)? What about outside of the U.S.? Chances are I’ll keep the current home too, so not sure how complicated that’d be. Any other requirements I should consider?

10. Daft Punk – While their music isn’t all specifically sci-fi, their electronic sound certainly gets lumped into the ‘futuristic’ category. They’re well known for their high-tech visuals and costumes as well as for having interesting videos. They co-produced the animated film The 5tory of the 5ecret 5tar 5ystem, and (building on their machines-to-men theme) released a film called Electroma, the story of two robots trying to discover their humanity.

9. Devo – While perhaps best known for their geometric hats, sci-fi imagery, and the song Whip It, they were quite successful in the alternative/underground scene in the 80s, and Jocko Homo, Freedom of Choice, Girl U Want, as well as their covers (Satisfaction, Working in the Coalmine), were the musical soundscape to many sci-fi movies and shows. Nowadays, their music appears in several TV commercials.

8. Orbital While their music has been used in several sci-fi movies (The Saint, Event Horizon, Hackers, Mortal Combat, Johnny Mnemonic), they had to make the list via their Doctor Who theme song. In a way, it’d be pretty easy to make the entire list electronica bands, so I limited how many would be in the top.

7. Voivod – while there could be a strictly metal version of this list, this is the band that takes the top of the metal category. They’re based on the concept of the Voivod, a futuristic warrior/overlord.

6. Styx – While heavily parodied, the theatrics of their Kilroy was Here concept album (which told the story of a future where rock & roll was outlawed), featuring Mr. Roboto, were considered a musical sci-fi staple at one point. I have a backup NAS unit called a Drobo, which I named ‘DroboArigato’ after the line in Mr. Roboto.

5. Queen – Queen’s main sci-fi musical work was the Flash Gordon soundtrack, and to a lesser extent the Highlander soundtrack (which is more fantasy). But the band themselves had a very sci-fi presence to them – theatrical, otherwordly, and somewhat dystopian. [Of course, who could omit the memorable scene in the horror/zombie/comedy movie Shaun of the Dead featuring Don't Stop Me Now, albeit a stretch to include zombies as sci-fi...] To this day I can’t hear the world ‘Flash’ without adding ‘aah-aah’ to it.

4. Pink Floyd – While it’s fair to consider Pink Floyd a psychedelic band, Dark Side of the Moon is also a great sci-fi musical journey, and The Wall could certainly be considered an excellent example of a dystopian future, with its exaggerated themes of fear, insecurity, and loss (and how we end up trying to hide and protect ourselves from our fears). Pink Floyd also transcended their musical expression to their visual presentations, and were well known for their elaborate stages and lighting. [When I saw them live, a giant object was emerging from the center of the stadium; a friend next to me leaned over and asked me what it was, like somehow I'd know. I sarcastically blurted out, 'a giant disco ball.' It was a giant disco ball.]

3. Tubeway Army/Gary Numan – I’m cheating a little to include Gary Numan in here, but Tubeway Army’s sci-fi elements would be mostly his brainchild. They made one of the best sci-fi songs ever (Down in the Park), as well as songs like Are ‘Friends’ Electric?, and their song Listen to the Sirens quoted from Philip K. Dick.

2. Muse – these days it seems you can’t have a sci-fi show without it featuring some sort of Muse song in the ads. Unfortunately, this also has put their music onto a certain popular teen vampire franchise as well. Their Black Holes and Revelations album covered the sci-fi gamut from NWO to alien invasions. And let’s face it, not that many people can get away with making Supermassive Black Holes sexy (the actual ones, not just something that could be used as a porn name).

1. ELO – It’s kind of easy to forget how huge ELO was at one point. Another theatrical/big production style band, ELO had a spacey sound and used UFO-looking space stations on their album covers. Their music was featured in the sci-fi (yeah, it counts) movie Xanadu, and did some sci-fi concept albums as well. Recently, their song Mr. Blue Sky was featured on an episode of Doctor Who.

Honorable mentions: Hawkwind, Front 242, Kraftwerk, TRex, New Order, Manufacture, NiN, Skinny Puppy, Orb, Nitzer Ebb, PWEI, Iron Maiden, Ultravox, UFO, Judas Priest, KLF, Psykosonik, Sepultura, King Crimson, Talking Heads, Radiohead, Duran Duran, Fear Factory, MC Frontalot, MBM, Shamen, Art of Noise, B-52s, Earth Wind & Fire, Big Country, KMFDM, Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult, Clash, Sisters of Mercy, Underworld, FSOL, Flock of Seagulls, Shriekback, Utopia, Rush, Police, Savatage, Who, Moody Blues, SSS, Rammstein, and a whole bunch of others. I have a ton more written down from when I was making this, but I’d love to hear your thoughts and additions too.

Wait? No David Bowie? No Kate Bush? Thomas Dolby? Bjork? Since this was bands, individual artists weren’t included, nor individual songs (Mars Needs Women, Planet Rock, Spice, Intergalactic, We Are Made of Stars, Rocket Man, More Human Than Human, etc.) – a top list of these may be coming soon, though…

As a kid, my mother used to go out every night, and I’d either stay home and take care of myself or I’d go out to the bars with her. My dad, on the rare occasions he’d spend time with me, would take me to strip clubs. I grew up way before my parents ever did, but I never had any concept of fun or carelessness because of that. I never really genuinely laughed, because I was always worried. My mother ended up dating a violent man who pulled a gun on me when I was 10. I can never forget the look in his face, the anger. There’s a line that you see in people when they’re angry – where you can look into their face and see that they’ve snapped, that they no longer have control of themselves. He had that look. My father used to get that look when he’d fight with my mother; they were toxic to one another and it was frightening to see.

I dealt with the pain of childhood by shutting down, hiding, reading, and diving into work. I worked hard all of the time; that was the only way I knew how to escape. Everyone loved my writing and I was published frequently from the age of five (and started my first business then too). I never stopped; I was afraid to stop. I ended up getting full scholarships to three great schools, but my mother wouldn’t let me take them. She wanted to make me suffer since she blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in her life. I never understood blame. I thought, you could waste time with blame or you could fix things, so why not fix things? She died miserable in part because she never wanted to make anything better, she just wanted to control everything. But I was always trying to fix everything, overcompensating for feeling guilty about merely existing. I’d ask everyone what they needed and tried to help them. I got into a bit of a martyr role, but it was easier than dealing with myself. I pushed everyone away that grew close to me to ensure that they’d be happy – I believed that everyone would be so much happier without me in their life, that I was just a burden and worthless. I’d been told that for so long that I believed it. But I kept fighting too, trying to believe in myself. I’d get moments and bursts of confidence and then get shot down again and again. I’d deal with all kinds of abuse and pain. I would get kicked while I was down, but kept getting up. Sometimes the situations I ended up in seemed so surreal that it was like living in a bad sitcom. But no matter what happened, it seemed that there was always someone there anxious to take things out on me, to tell me that things were all my fault, that I did everything wrong and should be blamed. Even when I wasn’t responsible for things, I always felt like I was – because I was so conditioned to having to be accountable for everything. Others never seemed to own their actions since I was such an easy target and could so easily be blamed. That was when I started to see that those people didn’t care about fixing anything, they just wanted pity or attention or to take things out on others to avoid dealing with their own problems. They just wanted to go back to that state of being a child where everyone sticks up for you tells you that you’re right no matter what you’ve done, where you’re always the victim, where you don’t have to worry about anything because someone else is babying you. I can’t relate to that desire to be treated like an inferior, helpless child. I’m not sure if that’s because I never got to be a child, or because I thought better of people when they were grown. Some people wanted support, reassurance, to have someone believe in them and tell them things would get better – all reasonable things – but were unwilling to give that in return to others. That’s the part that is the most childish; that place of desire where everything is about what you get, and not what you give. What you give isn’t about keeping score or proving how awesome you are; it’s about respecting others and wanting them to be happy. Growing up isn’t all bad, and being a child isn’t all good.

The problem with this is twofold. First, these patterns are always going to be seen, because they are actively being sought, albeit not deliberately. Your brain is always looking to make sense of things that happen (in its own varying way), so when something traumatic (and therefore irrational) happens, it tries to connect pieces to make sense of it. The brain is going to see patterns everywhere; that’s what it does. Trouble is, it’s not going to make the distinction between rational fears and irrational ones when it’s in a seeking mode, it’s just going to build data. And even though people constantly claim that you should look for patterns (suggesting that seeing similarities will help you prevent mistakes from happening), there are a lot of problems with doing this. There are so many data points, it’s easy to focus on the wrong ones. You’ll grow weary of people with certain physical traits that remind you of [trauma/past], or other trivial non-causal items, instead of a relevant item. If someone chews gum the same way as the guy who shot your puppy, you’ll project that prior event onto them (things that set off these connections are usually called ‘triggers’). You may start to either use that data to absolve yourself of responsibility (‘it was all their fault, because they all did things x, y, and z’) or blame yourself (‘I should have seen that/prevented that/known’). When our brains are being defensive (either anticipating pain based on paranoia, or because something traumatic has just happened), the instinct seems to be to rationalize trying to find these patterns and to look for ‘wrong,’ which only makes the problem worse.

Secondly, looking for ‘bad data’ and previous trauma will only magnify any present situation and prevent healing. All of your brain’s focus will be on negative, detrimental items and will be unbalanced as a result. The best thing to do whenever the brain sees or starts to look for negative patterns (fear, pain, and so on), is to focus on ‘good data’ and dissimilarities (joy, laughter, etc.). This will help you separate and process individual events (therefore not cling to past pains or wounds) and avoid becoming delusional. It will also help prevent you from creating bad experiences through the ‘self-fulfilling prophecy,’ where you’ve projected your brain’s imaginings of ‘bad data’ being linear (bad thing A happened, so bad thing B happens next) so concretely that you become convinced that those negative things ‘must’ be true.

When you’re actively trying to find parallels to past pain, that’s something different. It’s self-sabotaging; that’s not protection, that’s persecution, and your brain might stay stuck in victim mode if you don’t take a hold of it. If you’re not aware that your brain is doing this (trying to find parallels to past pain to go ‘aha! Fight or flight!’), then you will keep wondering why things ‘always happen to you.’ You have to be aware of what your brain is doing (trying to protect itself from harm), and then show it all of the evidence that the past experience is not actually happening all over again, even if there are similarities. The best way to heal from the pain of the past is to stop expecting it to happen again; this does not mean to ignore warning signs of bad behavior, but to separate it from other events and show the brain how now is different from then (or this is different than that). Eventually the brain will learn that this situation is not parallel to the previous one at all despite whatever superficial (paranoid) similarities it saw.

I’m not suggesting that you should ignore ‘red flags’ or dismiss things off as merely being paranoia. Fear and paranoia can help us, so long as they are looked at as a guideline rather than as gospel. Once those elements start to control us (instead of us controlling them), that is when we need to take action.

Now of course anyone who has a problem with not being able to just freely insult others whenever/whyever is showing their immature finery, but moreover they’re showing their hypocrisy. If they’re allowed to ‘do whatever they want,’ then why is the person being insulted not allowed to ‘do whatever they want’ (i.e., not be insulted)? Why can’t they ask for it to stop without it being ‘telling someone what to do’? That’s not curtailing free speech or stifling someone’s opinions, that’s preventing abuse. Responding (to an honest plea to stop abusing someone) with defensiveness and passive aggression is a problem. And telling someone that you can do whatever you want to, but that they have to do what you want (i.e., put up with their abuse because ‘they’re entitled to say it’) demeans and devalues another person and their needs. Should we not try to protect ourselves from those doing us harm just because they think it was okay? If we let it slide and just ‘get a thick skin,’ how far will it go? If you really believe someone is, say, crazy, is it appropriate or necessary to call them crazy, or should you not abuse them in case, well, they do have some sort of mental illness that you are provoking? And what happens when your comments have consequences, like in cyberbullying cases? People have lost lives over being called names. It’s not unreasonable to think that calling someone a psycho online would have an emotional impact on them, or that accusing them of doing things they didn’t do isn’t a serious case of libel. And even worse, glib comments about slapping or harming another person; can they ever be dismissed as just immature ramblings when you have no idea how unstable the person is who made them? It’s never good to be paranoid, but how is such a comment appropriate? What is gained from verbally assaulting others? Do we really think that it’s okay when we don’t even know the person, because then they’re not ‘real’ anyways?

I’m always saddened when I see anyone resort to personal attacks, name calling, and put-downs. And while I think people should always be able to speak freely and openly, there should also be consequences for doing so when those words and actions hurt another person. But what is a fair price for someone hurting you? I believe a sincere retraction and apology are appropriate, but how would the abuser gain the maturity to do so if they didn’t have it to avoid the action in the first place? I’m not much for people having rules that they ‘have’ to follow about what to do or say. I don’t believe in controlling people or suppressing their opinions. But the entitlement mindset, the people who think that they can do/say anything without listening to or respecting others… maybe we should look at declaring that a disease. If it is, I wouldn’t call them names; I’d just hope that they get the help they need for their sickness.

[Yes, this is based off of a true story of my ex, who felt it was appropriate to publicly ridicule me and call me 'crazy woman,' 'psycho,' and telling people that I'd harm and use a cat as some sort of pawn. Complete strangers called me a psycho and one offered to 'slap that bitch.' It's one thing to say 'sweep it under the rug,' but there's a point where we need to stop telling victims of abuse to just take it. I don't advocate emotional knee-jerk revenge tactics either, but sticking up for yourself when someone abuses you is the right thing to do.]

One theme that keeps surfacing in the responses I’ve gotten is that this ordeal was/is a test of character. When we evaluate someone’s character, we have to look at many factors; if a person is dependable, if they are true to their word, if they back their words up with actions, if they are willing to make an effort to make things better rather than try to place blame or use guilt trips, if they give others the benefit of the doubt, if they don’t feel a need to control things but prefer to try to empower you and lift you up, to be on your side. It’s not conditional; there are no criteria someone needs to meet beforehand. Someone that cares about you is there for you, through good and bad. They give you the benefit of the doubt on the days when you’re not your best self and appreciate you – and show that appreciation through words, through actions, and through just being there. But some people are just not capable or equipped to handle hardships and change. They can’t process someone else’s grief, so instead they shift everything to an internal focus; everything is about them. They may constantly feel looked down on, ganged up on, treated unfairly, etc.; so long as the focus remains on themselves. Unfortunately, when you are going through a severe hardship, people like this tend to not only be un-supportive, but make things worse. Sometimes a person’s true colors are revealed only in times of great stress and strain; so long as things can be about them or are going well, they’re happy. That’s what I had to deal with, in addition to everything else.

And sometimes people are just ill-equipped to deal with handling a stressful situation. When my mother fell ill, my stepfather didn’t know that her stubborn refusal for help was, deep down, her fear and her need for reassurance (that she could trust and depend on him). He took what she said while she was sick literally, and let her piss herself for two days before she died on the toilet. It was hard for me to reconcile a lot of the emotions I had about that; on the one hand, my mother was a horrible, bitter woman, and in a way her death was a relief. But she didn’t deserve to die like that; it was neglect. My stepfather wasn’t sitting around feeling sorry for himself or turning it into something about him, though; he just had no education or knowledge of how to deal with that kind of illness. It wasn’t a lack of empathy on his part, just of understanding. Was he responsible for her death? Mostly; if she had received medical treatment, she would not have died.

When he died a few years later, it was truly a case of the ugliest side of human nature emerging. He had remarried in order to obtain health benefits, and had a pre-nup with his new bride. Over a year past his death, we’re still dealing with her lies, her thievery, and her true lack of character or decency. It’s disgusting to see what money and things bring out in people. [I'm not entirely unconvinced that she didn't kill him, which is a disturbing and frightening thought. How could it be so easy to get away with murder?] She felt entitled to things that he specifically said she wasn’t entitled to (which she’d agreed to), so she took them anyway. There is a lot of ugliness in people, and it really does shine when people think they deserve something (whether earned/justified or not). I think a big part of character is what people (try to) justify, what they feel they are entitled to. The more we assume people are ‘supposed’ to do things for us or that we ‘deserve’ something, the less focus is on the needs of others and the more self-absorbed we become. But there are exceptions to that; when we are suffering, when we have needs, the people that care about us are supposed to be there for us, and we do deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion. We have to be willing and able to reciprocate that, though. People are never perfect, but integrity is not supposed to be rare.

It’s a shame that someone’s character can disintegrate so rapidly when you need them. But it’s amazing how much good character there is out there when you reach out for help. It restores a lot of my faith, and enables me to see that I am the one who passed the test of character.

But people process grief in different ways. Some people choose to take their anger out on people around them, to blame them for what goes wrong. Some try to internalize everything until they explode. Some turn to others for support and help, while others try to be a rock and deal with it themselves. There’s no right way or wrong way; people just have different styles. If you care about someone, understand their style. I’m usually the rock. But when others are a volcano, penting up anger, letting trivial things blow up into Big Issues, they ultimately explode. Somehow some people expect to be treated in a way that is not on par with what they are willing to give. I could go on and give my one-sided account of what went on, but it wouldn’t matter. Suffice to say, things didn’t go well. Wounded people are not fun people to be around. Grieving people are not fun to be around. I dated a guy once who dumped me when my mother died because he ‘couldn’t deal with change.’ After reconciling, he dumped me again when I had pneumonia. So was I so horrible and vile a wounded creature, lashing out at some poor victim? No. But I was hurt and needed support and reassurance. This is why we share things with those we trust; we expect them to have compassion and understanding, to give us the benefit of the doubt and ultimately to believe in us and help us. So what happens when you share and that trust is broken? What happens when pain turns into a pissing contest of ‘who has more of a right to be hurt’ and whose feelings and needs are more important? What happens when you try to express your feelings and it boomerangs back into ‘oh yeah, well what about me?’ I don’t know. But not sharing is unhealthy, and sometimes we go to such great lengths to keep life contained that being human, having pain and faults and personal experiences, is seen as a flaw, a weakness, a taboo. We can tell people on Twitter what we eat, but not how we feel. Now, I am a Rational and not really effusive or knee-jerk emotional. I don’t let people into my life easily and choose the image I want to portray. But sometimes we disconnect from how human people are, how much hardship they endure – and how much harder it is to heal without the support of others. Sharing is a step towards healing oneself, but also may help others know and see that being human is okay.