vombie.com » Writing

Beginning 2010, ending Doctor Who

admin — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 20:33:59 +0000

So, we’ve ended the naughts and moved on to the respectable and grown-up sounding double digits. We’re now in the age of space colonies and hovercars, aliens hanging about*, and underwater cities, and we’d better enjoy them since we’re all dying in two years… Or maybe that’s just the imaginings of modern-day sci-fi, where everything in the future is cool and alien and military and blue with lens flares! Stuff is always going fast and blowing up, the world(s)/universe(s) is/are always ending, and the robots are uprising! Everything needs exclamation points, it’s so exciting! And aliens are all reptilian, or robotic, or big insects – not too scary looking, and having characteristics of something familiar on Earth. After all, how could aliens be actually alien? And they’d have to be about the same size as a person; an insect could never actually be an alien, they’re too small. There are no people in the future except the military/government, and some scientists peppered in. Well, there might be space hookers, but they’ll most likely be pleasurebots and not real people.

So, even with infinite possibilities of the future, we tend to shelter our visions of it within comfortable, safe, and predictable paradigms. Science fiction isn’t as much about fear and the vast unknown anymore; it’s about cool, it’s about gadgets and explosions and one-liners. It’s gone from Rod Serling to Michael Bay; from drama to melodrama. Science fiction does not equal effects and chases; it can be more than just old war/western movies set in space (or a blue-tinged Earth). And this is what Doctor Who sometimes gets wrong, but sometimes gets really right. Like so much sci-fi these days, it was given a reboot treatment to ‘freshen’ it up, to try to shake the stigma of its previous low-budget visuals and attract a new audience. This is a show that’s supposed to be fun, light, and not preachy about the Doom that Will Occur if You Don’t Change Your Ways Now, yet that doesn’t mean it can’t have engaging stories and elements of suspense, mystery, fear, and wonder. While I barely remember anything of the older episodes I used to watch as a kid, I was very excited about the new series, as it is a concept that can, rather literally, do just about anything – go anywhere, at any time – and, best of all, it does so from the viewpoint of a tourist, with ordinary people along for the ride. It’s a show you can enjoy if you don’t care about the Science part of sci-fi, yet isn’t as stupid in this department as some other shows are. But in a way, its strengths are also its weaknesses; different writers and an open invitation to take the character any place and/or time can lead to some amazing stories, but it’s inconsistent. While The Twilight Zone had an open slate in terms of characters, Doctor Who is really about one central man. And like so much modern fare, it does tend to resort to chases and explosions and effects at times, cheapening it a bit. Don’t get me wrong; I love explosions and effects most of the time, but episodes like Midnight and Blink really prove you can do a show like Doctor Who without it all revolving around How Cool the Planet Looks.

So, suffice to say I’ve been a fan of the new show – not all episodes are strong or even good, but there are so many gems in there it makes the whole series brilliant. And while Christopher Eccleston was fun and a great Doctor in his own right, David Tennant has raised the bar so high that his departure really feels more like the end of the show than the end of his turn; it’s almost more of an era ending than the new year was. I’m afraid for the new season; I keep having nightmares of blue filters and lens flares and Matt Smith becoming Emo Doctor. Maybe part of that is that it’s hard to swallow being ten years older than a 900+year-old man; at least I’m only 3 months and 3 days older than David Tennant. Maybe part of that is cynicism about committees trying to make the show ‘cooler’ and hoping to get the Twilight audience/dollars. Whatever it is, I’ll hold off on the new Doctor for a bit and let all of the stages of loss pass first. So hello, 2010, and goodbye Doctor. It was a fun run, but I’m hoping that there’ll be something out there this year without a bunch of lens flares and sparkles and blue filters, and I’m not yet convinced that it’ll be you.

(*I think we’ve seen what would happen if aliens really did land today; videos would be on YouTube, a bunch of people would write blogs about how the videos are fake, a bunch of other people would write blogs talking about how much they love the aliens & how they totally relate to them cos they’re, like, so misunderstood and Team Aliens 4evr! <3!)

Ending 2009

admin — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 20:44:12 +0000

So, 2009. Quite a year. It began in a state of flux; I was laid off of my job in late January, found out that the state of Virginia was messing up my credit by making up liens I never owed (this still has not really been resolved; they marked them as ‘Paid’ rather than removing them), my HOA alleged I owed them money for violations that were fixed years ago (also unresolved; I have to go to court for that next month)… I am very accustomed to the ‘when it rains it pours’ life, but it’s still overwhelming.
And then in March, I got a phone call that changed everything.
My stepfather had died. Now, there’s a long backstory involved here, but the oversimplified version is this: my mother & stepfather had been married for about 20 years; my mother died in 2004, which was very hard for him (my feelings were admittedly mixed; she was a mentally ill and cruel person and did everything she could to ruin my life at every turn, she was a pathological liar, and overall a bitter, nasty human being) but, her death freed both of us in many ways. In late 2005, he met a new woman, and in 2006 they decided to get married so that he could get health insurance, as she was entitled to benefits after working for the police department (as a receptionist) for five years. She was similar to my mother in certain areas; a huge chip on her shoulder, a feeling of entitlement, using guilt to manipulate people, expected to be taken care of rather than working, pretending to be nice socially but having a very bitter and nasty side in private. But even worse, she was money-hungry, and when she saw that my stepfather had more dollars than sense, she kept demanding more and more from him.
Now, when my mother had died, my uncle & his two vulture-children swooped into her house in Florida (which she bought w/my stepfather in 1989) and stole a bunch of her things; iPods, jewelry, prescription drugs, etc. It took my stepfather a few months to realize how much stuff was stolen. Those things were supposed to have been left to me per her will* and per my stepfather’s wishes, but they were gone. I really didn’t know these relatives; my mother was always lying about things and none of the family members ever spoke with/to me directly, so who knows what lies any of us have been told. (*I had no idea I was supposed to get these things; I was never given access to the will nor honestly told anything about it.) My mother had been getting a family inheritance for about 25 years, so she had a reasonable chunk of money (some of it was supposed to go towards me, my education, etc., but it didn’t).
So, moving forward. My stepfather is suddenly dead – and not only dead, but immediately cremated. No autopsy, and a gold-digging wife (Fran) who used to work for the police department – that doesn’t raise flags? When I get the call, from some stranger that bowled with him, I’m told I’ll be called back about details. I’m not. I call back the next day and find out that there’ll be a service for him in two days, so I scramble to get tickets. I’m also told, by his wife’s daughter, that they can ‘help me find a hotel.’ Yes, they honestly thought that they were more entitled to stay in my family’s home than I was. So now I’m not only in shock and grief, but I’m pissed. The airline overbooks my flight, so I missed the service (see post about that here). I get there, and it’s beyond awkward. Fran’s grandson tells me that he’s been over his will (can’t even let the ashes cool, can they?) and that I’ve been left most everything and that they want me to let Fran stay in the house. I didn’t see the will, so I left the next day (in their sucking-upness, they let me stay, but I had to share my room w/Fran’s daughter) thinking things would be fine.
Wrong.
Within a week, Fran used my stepfather’s truck & SUV to clean out the house. All of my family items, all of my things, my mother’s and stepfather’s things, gone. I had no idea this was happening; but I couldn’t have done anything about it if I had, because it took over nine weeks for his death certificate to be filed. All of his papers and records, his computers (which, technically, belonged to his company), gone. I couldn’t even get access to the will until the certificate was filed, and I had no idea if Fran was going to go after his money as his spouse; her grandson indicated as much, telling me only that his will was made before he was married and their lawyers were looking into it. Mind you, these are people that had known him less than three years, who made an obituary for him that was completely inaccurate (because they knew nothing about him) – but they did have the ability to get computers, trips, cars, and even a house out of him. They conveniently forget to mention that there was a prenup, but the lawyer who’d made the documents tells me this. So, now I get to see the will, and finally get to see my mother’s as well. Everything is supposed to be folded into a trust, and I’m the main benefactor, but not the sole one. Right before he died, my stepfather was planning to modify his will to take my thieving cousins out of it, and was going to transfer some land over to me, as well as give me a loan for my business. Unfortunately none of that happened, so the scum-suckers are still in it. They even contacted me right after he died – not to say that they were sorry for my loss or to ask how I was doing, but to ask about getting money!!
The trust is set up to have a bank as the executor, and so there’s really no way of controlling them/it. I get statements but don’t get any actual money from it yet (and there are age restrictions on what I can get); there’s a lot of stuff that has to be liquidated, not to mention deciding what to do about the theft (which Fran claims was ‘her stuff,’ total and obvious lies, easy to prove false. That woman and her family should be rotting in jail.). The executor tells me that my scum-cousins want to buy one of his cars; still vulturing over whatever they can get their greedy little paws on. She also tells me that me stepfather had two IRA accounts that were left solely to me, and that I’d hear from them in a few days about getting access to them. I hear nothing. So I contact them, and hear nothing. I contact them again, and eventually hear back, telling me to ‘call them.’ I don’t want to call them, I want my information documented. They send me papers; I ask them to verify that they’re the ones I need. They assure me that they are. I send them in, and hear nothing. I inquire again, and am told I need to send them other documents. Basically, they piddled so much that I didn’t have access to the accounts for over half a year. In a nutshell, everyone’s just screwing me over, and all anyone does is shrug and say it’s not worth fixing. That’s the problem we have today; when you get screwed over, you’re just supposed to passively accept it, like it’s okay. It’s not. I know it’s hard to have empathy for the situation when, realistically, I’ll still probably come out of things with a couple of commas (eventually… still less than eight years of my old salary), but what about the people who get screwed who don’t? How is it okay for someone to be cremated immediately per the directive of someone who has every motive to kill them? How is it okay for someone to have been specifically named in a will but never given access to it? How is it okay for a death certificate to take nine weeks to be filed? How is it okay for someone to removed tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of dollars of items that aren’t theirs from a home that isn’t theirs? How is it okay for a bank to not notify someone that they inherited an account and deny them access to it for over half a year, potentially losing its assets in the process? How would you fix it, other than to dump tens of thousands into legal fees, thus losing it anyways? And now, I haven’t heard a peep from the trust executors in about half a year as well.
As I keep telling people, the moral here is ‘don’t die’ – but seriously, it’s not about the things or the money, it’s about dignity and the decency of people and of how easy it is for your legacy and wishes to be stolen. (Not to mention you yourself – his ashes were taken by those crooks & they’ve never contacted me again since the service.) Money just brings out the worst in people, especially when they have no consequences for losing it and no effort for gaining it. My father, in his usual attacking and unsympathetic fashion, basically told me I was lucky to get anything anyways and too bad about the rest. My stepmother told me that it was a good thing I got something because she sure as shit wasn’t going to leave me anything (I’m apparently not her ‘real family’ since I didn’t come out of her vagina; at least she finally admitted to feeling that way). I’m not bitching about the money. I didn’t say a word when I didn’t get left anything when my father’s mother died (eventually I did get a few pieces of costume jewelry – once my stepmother & her daughter picked over everything, I’m sure). I’m saying it’s scary as shit what people will do to you. My grandmother and my mother both specifically told me what they wanted me to have, but in neither case it happened; the greedy vultures and liars got there first, and I never asked about the wills, assuming (incorrectly) that I’d have to know if I was in them.
So, all of this drama and back-and-forth did take a toll on me; I spent most of the year too overwhelmed and traumatized by all of the insanity to function or deal with things. I started up a company and put forth some effort to give it legs, but I was so drained that it was hard to focus. Adding to the burden, several of my ‘friends’ decided to lean on me heavily without any reciprocity and use me. I’ve had to burn though my savings account, and still have to deal with lawyer’s fees and, well, nothing is resolved. But, I’ve always been incredibly resourceful and have been kicked when I was down many, many times before. And things are looking up. The business is getting a better foundation, my network is expanding, and opportunities keep emerging. I plan to expand the business, do some writing, some music, some travel (I have flier miles to use up…), and finally complete the education I’d worked so hard to do (but that my mother took away from me years ago). I’m working on some great projects now and don’t see that slowing any time soon. I’m sure that the year/s ahead will be wonderful… and hopefully much less dramatic and traumatic.

Relate

admin — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:58:58 +0000

I lack the ability to relate to most people. This isn’t really an issue or a problem, other than the fact that I exude an amount of tolerance for their differences and opinions that is not extended to me in kind. There’s just something about ‘respecting views that differ from your own and the people who have them’ that other people can’t seem to muster. I know it’s a comfort thing; people feel safe with sames. They fear change. They lack a desire to grow or learn from seeing the world through a vision that clashes with theirs. Their endorphins get all fuzzy around the banal; they let that fear drive who they are, and base actions on their ‘instincts’ (regardless of how well their guts have guided them so far; in fact, the poorer their previous decisions have been, the more inclined they seem to be to continue to self-sabotage by basing decisions on these feelings rather than on anything sensible).
And why do my opinions differ so much from the hoi polloi? For starters, it’s hard for me to find anyone whose opinions or thoughts on anything but the most shallow of subject matters have any sort of logic, reason, or insight. I can point out how a person is a complete hypocrite and a brainless drone in a matter of seconds, but that’s not exactly polite nor respectful, nor is it necessarily important. I see the world in a different way than most. I see the future in a different way than most. I like plenty of people, and can be sociable as needed. I enjoy my friends and genuinely have fun with them. But I also have to stay within the boundaries of generic topics with them, because most of them are not the sort of people who would respect nor tolerate/understand my viewpoints. To that end, they become segmented; there are the tech friends, the music friends, the science friends, the sci-fi friends, etc… some overlap, and some can never cross streams. Sometimes my separate ‘worlds’ intersect in unexpected ways. I covered this segmentation in an early post as well, but what I didn’t touch on earlier was the criteria for the ‘kindred spirits.’ The easiest way to explain it would be to say that it consists of what I’ll call ‘AQL.’ AQL is a variant/tier – ‘aesthetic quality level.’ Within your specific AQL, there is an acceptable aesthetic/quality threshold for art, food, music, literature, other creations, etc. When you are exposed to materials that are on a different AQL than your own, you think they’re substandard and don’t emotionally resonate/connect/relate with them. People will gravitate towards a certain AQL; this is not to say that one is better than another, but within your own AQL you’ll think that most other AQLs (especially ones that are on more distant tiers) are crap. You may appreciate another AQL, but it is not the one that you have a kinship with. For example, you may think that you ‘appreciate fine art,’ but going to a high-priced gallery with works that are considered by ‘art people’ to be genius leave you feeling flat. You look at your friend’s piss-poor photos – someone who’s pretentious in their dismissal of people they see as pretentious, who’s convinced that they’re some great artist – and you think it’s obvious their work is inferior and downright low-quality, but they think they’re a creative genius and anyone who can’t see that is a fool (when they’re just on a different AQL). People tend to think that they’re better than people on other AQLs; the folksy oven mitt painter thinks she’s more ‘real,’ the big-name urban designer thinks he’s got ‘more class and style,’ and so on. Of course, AQL isn’t only about art/creations; it’s about values, beliefs, styles, tastes, preferences, and opinions. But it’s easy to get sucked into a delusional monoculture by surrounding yourself with people whose AQL is the same as yours and using that to reduce/diminish the value of others; it becomes a game of ‘us’ versus ‘you.’ I have to think/hope that my particular tribe isn’t into playing those kinds of games.

Return from Comic-Con

admin — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 02:58:22 +0000

I figured I might as well jot down a few things/impressions from the event. Here are a few quick takes:
Celebrities: lots of famous people are at this event, so it’s hard not to see someone that’s recognizable. Some that I saw: Seth Green, John Landis, Stan Lee, Scott Ian, Bruce Campbell, and a dozen or so ‘they look familiars’ who I’ll probably figure out later.
Events: Since most of the panels end up on YouTube, it does seem somewhat silly to go to anything that requires a multi-hour/day wait in line, even if it would have been great to have been in the same room as Terry Gilliam. I was in the same building, so I left it at that. Many of these events and panels really push the six degrees of separation as to what they even have to do with comics. And I agree wholeheartedly with the suggestions to enable people to obtain tickets/passes to the bigger panels and events versus forcing them to wait in line for ages. But I have a million ideas on ways they could improve the conference logistics, so I won’t bother with all of that.
Booths: Biggest disappointment would be with the booths themselves. Some really got it right; they managed the flow of people and the items/information well, but way too many still don’t seem to get how to run a booth and/or market and promote themselves (or for that matter sell stuff) to the various types of people at this event. The worst was the BBCA booth, and yes, I’m saying that primarily because a) they dicked us around for three days on getting a bag instead of just doing the right thing and hooking their fans up, having a process in place, and/or not lying, b) they didn’t make it clear what items were exclusives until after they were sold out of them, and c) I’m still really pissed about the bag. It had David Tennant, er, Doctor Who on it after all. Some booths just had ridiculous lines the entire time, so if you wanted any sort of information (and not some sort of autograph or whatever) you were SOL. Does it not occur to these vendors/studios that some people are looking for information at this event and not just a free pen? For that matter, does it occur to them to try to reward their fans and their community versus enabling/helping the eBay opportunists that care more about grabbing stuff for profit? I’m cool with people making a buck, but it really sucks when a true blood fan (or, for that matter, a True Blood fan) doesn’t get rewarded for their loyalty and patronage in some way. Pass out the postcards to raise awareness; give some cool stuff to the people who are on your mailing lists, who have bought stuff from you, etc. Almost no one there was collecting information for later marketing, which is insane.
Costumes: Some people see it as a costume party (or substitute for a day at the zoo) more than as an industry/professional event; I can see how that’d be fun, but someone should have a big ‘CostumeCon’ given how many people love to dress up for an(y) occasion. For those asking what I wore, trust me, no one ever wants a picture of/with me so you’ll just have to make something up and imagine that I looked cool. Some of the costumes I ‘get,’ but some yet again push the boundaries of ‘what does that have to do with comics?’ It just seems to me that it’d make just as much sense to have a Coca-Cola booth in the middle of the exhibit hall as some of the stuff that is there, using the same logic of ‘well, comic book fans love sodas!’ Hmm. Okay, admittedly, a Coca-Cola booth would be cool, but you get the point – relevance.
Swag: As someone who’s been on the selecting, giving, and receiving end of swag at large/small industry events for [quite some time], I have to admit that the giveaways & items were pretty mundane and overall quite a letdown – not to mention the convoluted, confusing process to get some of it. If you stood around at the LEGO booth, you could get a lanyard to play LEGO Rock Band. Then you got the lanyard punched after you played (and who wants the lanyard ‘ruined’ with a hole punch?). Then you went to another booth to show them your punched lanyard to get a t-shirt – once you went back about four times to find someone who knew anything about the promotion. Somewhere in there you could ask for a pin too, randomly. Their lottery system was a bit better: rather than forcing you to be the first in line, you waited in line for a chance to get a ticket from a big box that might enable you (if you were lucky) to wait in line to buy the exclusive sets of the day. It might sound silly, but it was fair, and the line moved fast enough that you could normally get a few tries if needed before they ran out.
One of the big issues with Comic-Con, though, is that it’s just too diverse; there are collectors, industry people (and various industries at that), wannabe industry people, studios, artists, general fans, etc. – but within those groups there are so many fractions it’s diluted past the point of usefulness to most any of them, especially when our ‘industry’ badges just said ‘Professional’ on them. I think it’d be much more beneficial to have the days/space/whatever divided (retro, sci-fi, action) – not to be exclusionary/secular but to focus it a little more and make it more manageable to find information and/or network. Sure, it’s a ‘fan’ event at heart, but that term is so broad now that it’s meaningless, and it’s worthless to have an event try to be for ‘everyone.’ I didn’t get to do any networking of my own stuff, but I might do that at one of the other smaller regional events later this year. (I’ll actually talk about the networking aspect of these shows in a later post.)
I’ve been hearing that a lot of the smaller vendors/artists/studios/publishers might not be able to attend anymore because their sales were so dismal. Can’t say that I’m surprised; since all of the big studios have been promoting this event for all of the big-name actors and such attending, a lot of the attendees are there to see Actress X, not to support the comic community. I think this creates an opportunity for the regional events, and maybe more cross-promotion with events like PAX in September and so on, but it makes Comic-Con an obstacle course for those of us who are there for something other than watching Joss Whedon talk (as cool as that might be). But I’ll have more on all of this later…

Who Are You?

admin — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:13:35 +0000

When you think about who you are, what your identity is, what’s the first thing you think of? Your name, your profession, your role within your family or relationship, a combination of those things – or is it something more abstract? How many ‘you’s are there? How much of your identity have you created, and how much of it has been defined for you? Creating identities (one or many) may be a way for our minds to cope with how unnatural things have become. We spend a great deal of time focusing on how we relate to others – and less on how we relate to ourself (and our various internal components) or our world. Individuals are fractions that combine to create identities; not just in the co-dependent ‘half of a whole’ way, but in that their lives are splintered into distinct pockets of relationships between family, professional, and personal worlds (and variants of). You have a personal e-mail that only ‘real friends’ get access to, a business account that’s public, a spam account to sign up for junk; it’s hard (if not impossible) for anyone to have the complete picture of all that you are online, let alone how increasingly difficult it is for anyone to have knowledge of you in real life. We feel as if we ‘know’ people based on what they look like or what they wear or say; so we not only create identities for ourselves, but we create and project them on to others as well.

There is the Ã¼ber-identity – which is essentially a brand-as-person model (think Dear Abby, where a group of people pretend to be a singular entity). But Internet anonymity allows a person to try on as many identities as they want to without any consequences, so the many-to-one identity is far more rare than the multiple-identity individual. Of course, creating an identity is also sometimes done out of fear; but there is a huge difference between the fear of genuine repercussions (death) versus wanting to avoid responsibility for your actions or to figure out ‘who you really are.’ But does that mean that it’s becoming increasingly impossible for us to understand ourselves and all of our pieces as well? And are all of these fractions causing us to be more dissatisfied with who we are, as we can focus on the microcosms of negative aspects more easily than looking at the big picture?

And would this be surprising? We’ve been telling people to be unhappy and dissatisfied with who they are for decades now. We’ve told them that who they are is merely a by-product of what they do, what they’ve achieved, and what they own (unless they’re female, in which case it’s also what they look like). Everyone has both masculine and feminine traits, but we get caught up in gender-based negativity. Identities used to focus on what we were told were ideals, but now people have shifted away from creating identities of who they want to be into who they think will get the most attention. They place less importance on their identity being happy and fulfilled through self-belief and focus on external acceptance, appreciation, and support. Yet it’s hard to figure out cause and effect; are we dissatisfied because of who we think we are, or because of who we think we should be? What needs more validation – our internal view of our identity, or how others see us? And when others define us, is that who we really are?

Jealousy

admin — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:49:29 +0000

When I was younger, I always had to deal with issues of jealousy – both on the receiving and feeling ends. Anything I had, someone else wanted; and whatever I had, the grass was always greener somewhere else.

Not much has changed in some aspects, but much has changed in others.

Those that are jealous of what I have don’t understand the effort it took for me to get it and/or to keep it. I’ve constantly been surrounded by opportunists that genuinely can’t believe that anyone ever deserves success or has had to suffer greatly to achieve it; they have a sense of entitlement to ‘luck’ and a resentment of anyone who ever seems to have been fortunate enough to be successful. Talent doesn’t usually make success in and of itself; which is unfortunate, but it’s reality. Desire doesn’t make success either. Hell, even hard work is no guarantee. But resentment does usually create failure.

And what constitutes itself as success varies greatly from person to person. I’ve always found it surreal when people say I’m in any way/shape/form successful, because I don’t have/haven’t achieved any of the things that matter to me. But yes, I have achieved lots of superficial things, and I am grateful for them – and the key word there is ‘achieved,’ as in ‘worked hard and sacrificed much for.’ If you ever want to piss me off, tell me I’m lucky. Tell me I don’t get it, that I don’t understand because it’s easy for me. Tell me you wish you had/were [some bullshit thing that I have]. I wasted a lot of time at one point of my life trying to convince people that I was this Awesome Person that they should envy, because I hoped that maybe I’d buy into it and stop hating myself. Yes, there are things that come naturally to me, and I shouldn’t have to apologize for that. But most of it is hard – not just the I-had-a-horrible-tragic-life hard (though that certainly holds up under scrutiny), but the having-what-you-want-means-willingness-time-and-effort hard. There will always be people that will tell you that your dreams – or you – don’t matter, and there will always be people that try to knock you down. But there will also always be those who dismiss what you do achieve (when you overcome the naysaying) and will feel like they can take a piece out of your success because, well, you have it. Some people think that there is an easy track to success and happiness, and as long as they’re allowed to leech off of others who mistake their attention for genuine interest, I guess there is – for them. They see achievements and success as something to take or that falls into your lap, not something that is earned. To me, things that are worth having are worth working/fighting for and investing time and energy into; anything that comes instantly has no real value or substance or meaning. And I’d rather have something that matters than something simple or easy.

I still struggle with my own bitterness and jealousy; not because I don’t appreciate things, nor because I think that others don’t deserve happiness, nor because I expect things should be easy/convenient – but because I have had so many chances and opportunities taken from me by people who were petty and resentful of me, and that hurts. Because every time I got pushed down someone was there to kick me while I was on the ground. Because I’ve had to constantly hear everyone tell me that I need to change, that this-or-that is wrong with me, and that I’m not accepted as myself. Because it is harder when you can’t relate to anyone else and have to make your own path. I see the version of me that didn’t have to deal with the bullshit, that had someone on her side, and I’m jealous of her – but not of anyone else. It’s hard not to wish that things had been different, or that someone would have believed in me the way I believed in myself. I have to wear a lot of masks just to get by, and pretend that I’m someone or something I’m not every day. But I am talented, smart, and kick-ass, and find that I let that speak for itself a lot more now than when I felt like I had to overcompensate for being different (or, more accurately, for being myself). Those [external] things don’t define me as much as they used to; looking inward versus focusing outward tends to reduce jealousy a lot. I also know that when I see what I have overcome – what I’ve done despite the challenges – that I have a lot less to fear now. I do have a lot to be grateful for, and do have goals and dreams to aspire to. I do feel like I have accomplished a lot, and that I have a lot yet to achieve. And I know I have the ability to achieve success – my definition of it – even if no one else thinks so; and I’m comfortable with that. Who knows, maybe I could even achieve happiness when I can finally see how green my own grass is.

Follow

admin — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 22:05:36 +0000

One of the things I used to hate the most about marketing was talking to marketers about marketing. It just seemed like these people never could see outside the box of ‘apply formula X and shrug helplessly if it doesn’t work.’ Rather than being proactive and employing sound business strategies while capitalizing on the uniqueness of the product (its ‘unique selling proposition,’ or USP in marketingese), they just wanted to sit around marketing marketing… which really meant that they had nothing of value to offer, promote, sell, or provide. And while a few people could be passionate about marketing for the sake of marketing, for most people it’s just a train to jump on when they lack the ability to develop or create something unique.

Now we’re seeing the same thing happen in the ‘social media’ space. How many fucking Twitterers Twittering about Twitter can there be? You’re an expert and guru at social media because a bunch of other self-proclaimed social media bottom-feeders follow you? Or just because you’re self-absorbed enough to go on blathering day after day hour after hour in 140 characters without giving a shit about anybody else? Social media doesn’t have to be profound, but it also doesn’t have to be incestuous. I love using social media to keep in touch with my friends; I enjoy sharing information (about myself or about tech and other topics). But it’s a two-way dialog and I’m using the tools as tools, not as the purpose for the tool.

[ad#ad-2forcontent]

Offense and Industry Part II

admin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 18:42:27 +0000

I had a feeling that I’d want to add a bit more to what I wrote yesterday, as it’s a complicated subject filled with a lot of tangents (me?? tangents??) and, quite frankly, emotion. The sad thing is, none of this is exceptionally new, and it usually follows a predictable pattern: person does something that offends someone, person states that they’re offended (in a rational or irrational manner), offendor gives passive-aggressive and dismissive rebuttal to offendee, calls offendee some sort of name (like prude) to try to justify/warrant/excuse their behavior, offendee is now on the defensive and making disclaimers, focus is now off of the offendor via smoke and mirrors, lather, rinse, repeat.
And you know what? It’s a great trap. After all, how can I (or anyone else) write about “someone giving a presentation at a professional conference with material that offended people” without making a bunch of disclaimers about how I’m not a prude, that I’m not easily offended, etc. – but when the hell did it become about anything other than his actions and his actions only? Why does it resort to that? It isn’t – and shouldn’t be – about me or my feelings; but in a way, the topic can’t exist if it focuses solely on what was done – because we’ve gotten to a point where if someone disagrees with you and your feelings, you have to make disclaimers that your feelings aren’t related to the negative badge they’ll automatically stick you with to be dismissive of you (in this case, it was ‘prude,’ right? or did it sink so low as to be ‘girl?’). And I was really encouraged (initially) when I saw that very insightful blog post that blatantly stated that it wasn’t about any of the usual off-ramps (like prudishness), but rather about what is considered professional conduct within the tech industry. But how long did it take before there just seemed to be more knee-jerk ‘zomg women should be offended!’ and ‘zomg lighten up free speech’ crap than the actual insightful, productive discussion that could have been occurring instead?
I was very hesitant to say anything at all about the matter, because I am about the farthest thing from the ‘token female’ that you can get. I make men blush constantly (not a disclaimer, just a fact). And I don’t feel like I’ve really written anything terribly deep or profound here, and hopefully no one thinks I have any obligation to do so (as I don’t). But I’m kind of sick of the cycle of people finding it appropriate to push boundaries in professional settings and then retaliating as if the person who expected professional conduct at a professional event was in the wrong. I think it’s sad that so many people are having to justify their opinions – and themselves – when they have nothing to be defensive about. they’re entitled to their opinions AND to have those opinions be respected, even if/when they’re disagreed with. I find it rather sad that Dave now has to deal with the brunt of this; not only because it wasn’t his actions, but because a lot of the knee-jerk response he’s getting don’t help anything, and this could be a great opportunity for the tech community to start thinking about its accepted behaviors and how to be more inclusive of different levels of thinking of what is/isn’t appropriate conduct. Do we get into a ratings system at conferences? Do we make disclaimers? Or do we automatically dismiss any presentation and content that may be considered edgy and pushing boundaries? Should I put up a poster of Dr. Manhattan during my presentations from now on? What’s the right thing to do?

Offense and Industry

admin — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 03:37:22 +0000

So there’s been a bit of a brouhaha over in the Flash/dev community over a presentation that was given at Flashbelt; unfortunately, I wasn’t able to attend (so I can’t speak from firsthand experience about what happened), but I wanted to chime in on some of what’s being said – and not being said – throughout the community as a result.
In a way, it all boils down to this: a presenter displayed some images and made some comments that were crude & offensive to some of the people there – and for what it’s worth, ‘some of the people there’ is NOT synonymous with ‘women.’ Words are being thrown around like ‘pornographic’ and ‘misogynistic.’ But the two words being strewn about with the most frequency are these: ‘professional’ and ‘prude.’ The people that are vocally objectifying what happened are quick to be on the defensive that they are not prudes, that they can take a joke, etc., but that the material shouldn’t have been allowed at a Professional event. But why do they have to be defensive at all? Is it only okay to be offended so long as you’re not a prude? It seems that these people are apologizing for being themselves and/or for feeling that this was inappropriate for a professional event, whereas the presenter hasn’t apologized at all. To the extent that I hope to be able to be free to do and say what I want to, I also accept that that privilege doesn’t come free of responsibility – especially not in a professional venue.
There are some industries where being involved within the communities means accepting the tribal customs; back when I was in the music industry, for example, the attitudes and expectations for ‘professional’ behaviour were quite different than they were when I was a government contractor. But in a way, the rules at a tech conference aren’t always clear, and that leaves some ambiguity as to what’s considered acceptable. Many of the tech males that I associate with liken themselves to rockstars, and seem to equate that with a juvenile, sexist sort of bent. Tech conferences are billed as being laid-back, cool, and daring – all of the things that tech people aren’t necessarily well-known for being – and as a result, a lot of their insecurity manifests itself in overcompensation and in the men trying a bit too hard to prove that they’re no longer the outcasts, that they can reject and objectify women just like the rockstars do. But a real rockstar doesn’t need to resort to gimmicks and putdowns to prove themselves, unless they have no genuine talent.
I’m disappointed to see that something like this ends up overshadowing all of the positive things that the Flash community does, and all of the great things that were at Flashbelt & that Dave did for the event. Many of my dear friends & colleagues were there and I know that there was so much more to this event than this one presentation. But a professional event either needs to be designated like a treehouse with a ‘no stinky girls allowed!’ banner from the get-go (which would be just as much of a pity as having an all-girl tea party with a ‘no stinky boys allowed!’ one), or the professionals there need to act as, well, professionals.

Staying Sane for the Holidays

admin — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 17:46:47 +0000

The holiday season is often seen as a time when the ‘rules don’t apply,’ where we can eat, drink, and spend in excess. Any declarations of an attempt at moderation are met with ‘oh, but it’s the holidays!’ and someone trying to force a rumball down your throat. And lest you try to be sensible, you’ll be met with passive-aggressive accusations of lacking the proper spirit and being a scrooge. People feel entitled to be able to use the holidays as an excuse to spend more than they can afford to (and very few resist them temptation to pick up a few things for themselves while they’re getting gifts for others), eat foods that will have them complaining incessantly about the weight they put on, and end up setting unreasonably high expectations by overdramatizing every event. After all, it’s a ‘tradition’ – a word some people seem to equate with ‘keep doing something stupid because you’ve always done something stupid.’

Well, there is a way to balance out the holidays so that they are enjoyable without having the aftermath of overindulgence.

Look for ways to cut back on expenses now. Comparison shop for car insurance; see if you can change some of your service plans (get rid of premium channels you don’t use, reduce your cell phone minutes if you don’t use them, etc.). Now that Netflix has unlimited VOD through my Xbox, I cut back the amount of mailed discs I get, which saves me over $60/year – it all adds up!
Look at your 401(k)/403(b) plans, etc., and make sure you’re contributing the right amount into them.
Enroll in flex benefits or other plans offered by your employer. Many of these plans now offer credit cards so you don’t have to manage receipts and mail claims in. Don’t put in more than you think you’ll need; the tax savings don’t justify having to buy 300 bottles of antacids to use up all the funds.
Don’t break off of your normal exercise routine. If you don’t belong to a gym, start looking around for ones convenient to you and see if you can do a trial membership – many will offer really low membership plans next month, so hold off joining until you can get the best rate. If you dine out one night less per week, you’ll probably save enough to pay for your gym membership!
Know how much alcohol you can handle and how you act when you’re drinking, and set some boundaries for yourself. Some people are silly fun drunks, and some people are angry nasty drunks. Don’t ruin someone else’s enjoyment of the holidays because you can’t control yourself. If you think you need to drink to cope being around some people, don’t be around them, and don’t let anyone try to guilt you or pressure you into being around people that are toxic to you ‘because they’re family’ or ‘it’s the holidays.’
Plan your gift-buying budget ahead of time, and don’t buy someone some generic crap just because you don’t know what they’d like or want. Ideally, you’d have fished out some ideas from them well before the holiday season, but if you didn’t, then let them pick out a gift via something like an Amazon gift card. Point your friends and family to your Amazon wish list, and add items in various price ranges to make it easy for them to stay within their budget. If you know someone wants something outside of your range, see if you can pool together a few people to chip in for the gift.
Don’t attach additional significance to days and events just because it’s the holidays if it’ll stress you out or make you depressed. Accept that it’s okay to be who and where you are in life, and try to appreciate all of the great things you do have in lieu of dwelling on what you don’t (or trying to force yourself to have something you’re ‘supposed to’).

These are just a few ideas; feel free to share your own and start some new ‘traditions!’